Recently, in the last couple of months, I have begun to wrestle with what it means if the thing I have been waiting for never comes to fruition.
In the decade that we have been married, my husband and I have found ourselves walking through many hard things. So we have found ourselves waiting. Waiting for healing. Waiting for peaceful relationships with extended family. Waiting for a safe home for our family to settle into. Waiting for the miracle- for our big break and respite from all of the trauma and tragedy. But what if we are waiting for things that may not come? Or what if the outcome is so vastly different from what we have hoped for? Surely, these aren't bad things to desire. In fact, my mind would have gone as far as to say that these are desires that fall in line with our Father's heart- healing, unity, health, family. These are good things to hope and wait for. So why the wait or disappointing outcomes? How do we respond to this in our hearts?
I cannot pretend to have the answers to all of those questions above. Until recently, verses like “God works all things for the good of those who love Him…” or “For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you…’” carried a bitter sting for me. I had held those verses so closely and tightly for so long and we have continued to have disappointing, devastating experiences.
So how should my heart respond? As someone who has never liked to be upset with or wounded by God, this has been a tough question for me to mull over. Here is where my heart and mind are currently resting: God doesn’t promise the outcomes that we want- even if what we are asking for is seemingly good, it is not our birthright to have those things. The “good” that is promised is that God can and will work all things to bring Glory to Himself- which is for our good. If man's "chief and primary purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever," then we have to believe that when He promises to work all things for our good, it's with the fulfillment of our purpose in mind. I get it, that’s a quick eye roll when you are in the depths of anguish and waiting. But this has been a sweet spot for me, too- lamenting and grieving openly with the Lord, petitioning for things to change and calling on His promise to sustain and uphold me. I feel like that is exactly where the Lord is meeting me in this season of waiting- He is keeping me held. He goes before me, behind me and hems me in. He meets needs through community and family. He encourages my spirit with His words and promises to never leave me or forsake me. He gives my heart peace and confidence in the future, even if it holds more heartache, because I know that He sees me, knows me and cares deeply for me. All of this waiting and crying out is pushing me more into His arms.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9
These words live on repeat in my mind when the questions come. Waiting is hard. Not having the ending we desire can be devastating. But His ways are higher and we can trust that He is good. May our seasons of waiting, even if ongoing, bring Glory to our God who is faithful and present always.
Ps. Again, this is where reading through Psalms and journaling my prayers in response have been incredibly helpful to my heart. How many times does David ask “How long, O Lord?” “Yet I will praise…”
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