I know that I shared, a few months back, that I needed to take a break from writing while my family entered into a pretty big transition. I stated that I was feeling stretched thin and needed to re-evaluate my approach for the upcoming months. That was true, but this is true as well: I have been in a season of heavy grief and despair and felt ill-equipped to write about, let alone attempt to encourage anyone else keep their eyes fixated on Christ and the hope that we have in Him. I believed, at the time of that post, that this “funk” would be short lived and that I would return to my writing feeling emboldened, hopeful and joy-filled. In all honesty, I have realized that the heaviness that I am carrying extends beyond just grief and long-term suffering and I am fighting against depression (I hate to use that word because it feels so dramatic).
Maybe you can relate, but I have found myself in a place where I just do not want to do it all anymore. I don’t want to battle neurological flares in my children. I don’t want to manage endless supplement and medication protocols. I don’t want to navigate and schedule therapies. I don’t want to regulate my own emotions and practice constant, extreme patience and gentleness with the boys when I am on the receiving end of nothing but “big feelings”. I don’t want to get out of the bed. I don’t want to be in non-stop pain. I don’t want engage with my family, much less other people. I don’t want to receive endless medical bills that we can’t afford. I don’t want to be separated from my husband while we wait for our house to be built. I don’t want to send my kids to school because I truly don’t believe that what is best for them in this season, but I also don’t want to be on 24/7 without a break from the intensity that dwells within our home. I don’t want to have to practice gratefulness and I’m tired from trying to keep my eyes lifted up.
I’m exhausted and I feel as if I have hit a breaking point.
If you know me, you know that I don’t publicly emote often, but I have had tears well up in my eyes more times than I can count from the simple question, “how you are and the boys doing?”
This is a heavy time for me.
And all of that weight does not mean that there are not things to be excited about and thankful for. We are moving to the cutest little town and are building a small home on our dream property. We will have access to hiking and bakeries and good restaurants and farm fresh produce. The boys have been invited into a school for the fall semester that could be such a sweet provision (despite my misgivings about all day school for one of them). I will be able to stay present, through the fall, in a community bible study that has been so life giving to me. I see the good and I am thankful for it.
But my mind and my heart are battling despair and is it hard to show up and be present.
On my last post, I shared how in 1 Thessalonians 5 we are called to “be joyful always, pray continually, giving thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” During these past months, I have kept that commission in mind, but still have not been able to pull myself out of the mire. So, last night, I decided to look up verses that speak into joy- the exact opposite state of emotions that I have been living in. I needed something that I could grip onto and cling to for dear life. I did find verses that spoke to joy that I found helpful: Psalm 51:8-12 being a source of encouragement. Maybe I’ll expound on that more at another time.
What really jumped out at me, though, was Hebrews 12:2-3:
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
There it is again. “Fix your eyes on Jesus…” I actually told a friend a few weeks ago, in tears, that I was so tired from trying to keep my chin up and my eyes lifted. Her response was so beautiful. She said, through her own tears: “keep your eyes on Him anyway.” Hebrews 12 echoed her encouragement right back to me last night. But the part that jumped out the most to me was this line: “Consider him who endured… so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Weariness and lost heart have been my unwelcome companions and this verse seems to call them out even more.
I know this is a little long winded, and I don’t have a pretty bow to tie this all up in. Transparently, I am battling hard against the depression that has been wrapping its way around me. And it’s not unmerited- things are still really hard. But I am, just like all of us who fight against depression, anxiety and grief, clinging to the promises of God and holding my head with both hands to look up – keeping my eyes above the waves.
He is Good and Faithful and His promises are true.
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