I have often joked that because I no longer participate in some old unhealthy habits, or because I am unable to exercise due to mold illness, I am entitled to having my sweet treat every night before bed. I've told my nutritionist that a "treat" was my only source of dopamine these days. I am home full time with my boys, navigating life with compromised immune systems and inflamed brains. I wouldn't choose to spend my days any other way- I am so grateful that I am able to be home and present during these years, but my days start with jumping right into the medications and feeding frenzy and it doesn't stop until I close their doors after saying "goodnight." Some days are easier than others, but by the time I crawl into my own bed (approximately 27 seconds after closing their doors), I am exhausted and my brain has accumulated numerous things to research and study and figure out and think through.
Because my brain is so analytical, I tend to analyze my overwhelmed-ness and merely think through my emotions, "sorting them" into the recesses of my brain. What I don't do, is allow myself to sit in the discomfort of the actual feelings. It's a weird thing to be able to detach your feelings through rationalizing so readily. But that is what I do- I don't have time to actually feel the feelings, so I acknowledge that they are there, sort them, treat myself and repress the actual feeling itself. In the process, I have become dependent on satiating cravings every night in an attempt to distract or remove myself further from my feelings.
Can anyone else relate? Maybe sweets aren't your thing, but it could be television, sex, exercise, substance use, shopping or social media. Anything to bring our brains relief and release. I would venture that most of us do that in some capacity.
Early in January, I attempted to do an anti-inflammation diet for two months to see whether or not we could ascertain what foods my gut may not be responding well to. I lasted one week. After the seven days, some of my lingering mold toxicity complications flared up and my husband was processing some big things and the kids had a few bad days in a row and I caved. My mind was completely overrun with so many emotions. I needed comfort food- I was sick after all. For five days I reverted back to my old habits and then, out of the blue, I became convicted.
My compulsion towards food or exercise or intimacy with my husband are not bad things at all. In fact, considering that smoking and drinking used to be coping tools, these options feel healthy in contrast. But that's not the point. My dependency on these cravings comes from a place of me feeling desperate for peace, mental relief and tension release. And culturally, I'm going about it the right way (maybe not the sweets at night) in the form of self-care. However, in doing so, I'm seeking outcomes from things created, not from the Creator. Without consciously intending, I am trying to assert my control in achieving rest for my weariness rather than leaning into my vulnerability and taking it to the Lord. Rather than repressing and trying to move forward, I'm feeling called to acknowledge whatever I am feeling or trying to solve, take it to Him and wait, with my hands open, to see what He is wanting to produce in that space.
It's uncomfortable. It makes me very uncomfortable. And I took that to the Lord this morning, too.
In full transparency, I would love to say that this conviction has produced changed behavior, but I still find myself frequently jonesing for sweets and caving to the craving. But my prayer is that my heart will not continue to mistake where it searches for peace in the midst of all of the chaos and all of the feelings and instead take it all to El Roi- the God who sees me.
Scripture that speaks on our source for Peace:
"Peace I leave with you; my Peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have Peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:3
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
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