"But I'm fine. I survived- I shouldn't be struggling so much with all of this."
A friend of mine recently said these words when processing trauma that she and her family had walked through this past year. Against all odds, she had survived a near death experience- her survival, a medical miracle. And yet, all this time later, she finds herself wrestling with some big questions and heavy feelings.
But she lived. What is there to be sad about? Why can't she just move on from what happened?
I, too, have found myself in a similar state of mind walking through my own past. While there is so much for which to be thankful, there is a heaviness and a grieving that persists that is hard to talk about because it "doesn't make sense." I know for me, personally, I really struggle to be vulnerable because I never want to be negative or a complainer. But I also think there is an undercurrent in our culture that wants to move past the uncomfortable as quickly as possible. Skip the hard feelings and jump ahead to the whole and healed edition.
One thing I had to really come to terms with in my own situation was that there have been very real losses that I need to acknowledge and grieve. I have lost my home that I had loved. I have lost my health, my strength, my body, my hair, my hobbies and my mobility. The way that my husband and I have to approach life and social situations due to our kids encephalitis also has been a hard hit. We have to be exceedingly more calculated and structured for their benefit, and while that is something we will gladly do for them, it does require us to say "no" to a lot of things that we had hoped for them as well. These are real losses and they deserve to have their moment to be mourned.
Same with my friend- though she lived, she experienced many losses that are worth noting and processing.
Of course, we are not meant to dwell in our grief- we have too much Hope in the promises of our God. But I do think it is critical that we don't just sweep over our losses in an attempt to quickly arrive at more comfortable feelings. It is important that we acknowledge and hold both- the blessings and the hurts. This, again, is where lament is so beautiful. We are able to cry, moan and mourn what has been lost while keeping our, albeit teary, gaze on the Father- choosing to cling to His promises and dwell on His goodness.
I read this verse recently on a morning when I was feeling burdened with weariness. It encouraged my heart and called me to change my emotional posture for the day:
"It is good to praise the Lord and make music to Your name, O Most High, proclaiming your love in the morning and Your faithfulness at night." Psalm 92:1-2
May that be the draw of our hearts- to proclaim His love and faithfulness in praise! Many of us have lost a lot in our lives. With the help of His Spirit, may we grieve those things, lay them at His feet and sing of His goodness as we look ahead to His promises.
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